JESUS is my Air Traffic Controller

It was announced this week that the control tower at Lynchburg Regional Airport will be closed.  Lucky for people using the airport Liberty University is right next door.  The Local newspaper reported the following…

“Round the clock prayer, targeted, or, “Flight Specific” prayer,… they are still working on the details.”  Either way passengers can rest assured that the entire Liberty student body will be praying like crazy that nobody is trying to land when you are taking off.  None of the students are gay and ample counseling is available for students troubled with masturbation issues, so, we are talking High Octane Prayers.  They are right next door too!

Unfortunately, this is all taking place during one of the happiest seasons of the year in Lynchburg… Easter.

Yes, Easter.  A time for Muslim jokes and the celebration of capital punishment and scapegoating.  A time of pretending and bullshitting the little children into believing that death isn’t real if you know the right tricks and formulas.  A time of Joy and a time of contemplation of the great mysteries of life.  “Why did the South lose the war?”…  “How the Hell did a nigger get elected president?”…  “When is Jesus going to start torturing all the gays?”…

“Preacher says that evolution is a lie straight from hell… Preacher says people and dinosaurs lived at the very same time…  Preacher says people who don’t follow the teachings of The Lord sure going to be sorry when the Rapture comes…

At this wondrous time of year we are all called upon to look to our religious leaders for wise words and sound council.

Let the confusion end!  Let our Great Nation return to the Biblical Truths our Founding Fathers believed in and built this Nation upon.

I wouldn’t worry at all if you find yourself flying into Lynchburg Regional Airport.  Whether you are coming to Lynchburg to visit the world famous Enema Museum, located at the production facilities and home of C.B. Fleet, Co., (the worlds largest manufacturer of enema and douche bags).. or, the site of The United Cigarette Factory where, [“In 1882, James A. Bolzak of Lynchburg revolutionized the cigarette industry with his invention of a cigarette making machine. Within four years, Bolzak was marketing 30 million pounds of tobacco a year from his factory in Lynchburg. Bolzak’s fortune would soon turn to ruin, however, when in 1890, a leak of lubricating fluid went undetected in the cigarette machinery, and thousands of contaminated cigarettes were distributed widely under Bolzak’s “One-Eyed Jack” and “Brown Dick” brands before the dangerous flaw was discovered. The tainted cigarettes tended to explode with fury in the face of smokers when lit, causing hundreds of deaths and disfiguring injuries. Those cigarettes that didn’t explode wreaked their own havoc in the form of serious and often-fatal lung ailments. The cigarette fiasco produced a crippling barrage of lawsuits against Bolzak, resulting in Bolzak’s own personal bankruptcy as well as the ultimate demise of the cigarette factory. Despondent from the tragic turn of events, Bolzak took his own life by stepping in front of a speeding locomotive on the railroad tracks near his factory…..”]  But, that’s probably something you already know.

So there is nothing to worry about.  You will probably land and take off with no problems.  The locals will be praying their asses off that you do.  The only problem I can think of, and it probably isn’t something that you should worry that much about, is if there are any non-Bible Believing Christians on your flight…  you know…

Like Muslims…

Like Jews…  Then, I’m afraid, you might be shit out of luck when it comes to Jesus watching out for your ass.  And, seeing as this is Lynchburg Virginia we are talking about, if you see anybody at the airport waving a flag like this…

Rent a car from Hertz, Budget…  Just get the fuck out of town as fast as you can.  Things are about to get messy in Jerry Falwell Land.

Kiss, kiss

Mrs. N.

Great Moments in Enema History

The earliest documented case of resuscitation by rectally applied tobacco smoke took place in 1746 when a seemingly drowned woman was treated by her husband. On the advice of a passing sailor, the woman’s husband inserted the stem of the sailor’s pipe into her rectum, covered the bowl with a piece of perforated paper, and “blew hard”.   In the 1780s the Royal Humane Society installed resuscitation kits, including smoke enemas, at various points along the River Thames and by the turn of the 19th century, tobacco smoke enemas had become an established practice in Western medicine, considered to be as important as artificial respiration.

One day, in the far future, I have high hope that time travel will become possible.  When that day comes about I’m quite sure a lively debate will take place among scientists, religious leaders and historians with regard to exactly where and when, in time, the first time traveler should voyage.   I have no doubt that there will be no lack of suggestions.  Some will opt for great moments in military history.  Others will demand that the lives of the founders of the World’s Great Religions be observed and investigated.  No doubt still others will seek the answers to such questions as “What really caused the demise of the dinosaurs and the Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event?”

None of these questions interests me in the least.  Quite frankly military history and religious stories bore me to tears, and dinosaurs….?  I have four grandchildren.  Trust me, dinosaurs interest them far more than they do me.

Oh no.  If it were up to me, without hesitation, I would vote for a trip to the waterside in the year 1746.

The look on Julius Caesar’s face as he entered Rome triumphantly…

or, the reaction of the crowd when Jesus sawed a woman in half and joined her back together again…

Interest me not in the least.

But, I would give just about anything to be there, on the spot, when a distraught man, holding his drowned and lifeless wife in his arms, was advised by a sailor to….  “Here, take my pipe, shove it up her ass and BLOW as hard as you can.”

You can call me crazy if you like, but, in my opinion, “I came, I saw, I conquered” and “Let he who hath not sinned cast the first stone” got nothing on “Here, take my pipe…

 

Kiss, kiss

Mrs. N.

 

 

 

 

 

The Creation Museum

“The state-of-the-art 70,000 square foot museum brings the pages of the Bible to life, casting its characters and animals in dynamic form and placing them in familiar settings. Adam and Eve live in the Garden of Eden. Children play and dinosaurs roam near Eden’s Rivers. The serpent coils cunningly in the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Majestic murals, great masterpieces brimming with pulsating colors and details, provide a backdrop for many of the settings.”

As a part of their fifth anniversary celebration the Creation Museum has opened a new high-tech exhibit designed to expose the scientific bankruptcy of the evolutionary interpretation of the famous so-called ape-woman “Lucy.”

A full 40% of Americans, when asked, say they don’t believe in evolution.  It’s not as if we need another good reason for the collapse and failure of American culture, but, we have one anyway.

Is it any wonder our government is as fucked up as it is?   Is it at all hard to understand why our schools rank so miserably when compared to schools in other “advanced” nations?

I had an opportunity to talk to a local High School science teacher yesterday.  She asked me if I knew how hard it was to teach biology WITHOUT mentioning evolution.  She informed me that, over time, you get good at it because if you don’t, and happen to engage a student in a public discussion on the “theory” of evolution, you are more than likely to be lectured by your principal, who him ,or, herself has just had their ass chewed out by an angry parent.  So, you teach half-assed biology and, it’s a given that none of the kids ever really catch on fire intellectually, or,  go on to do research, get advanced degrees, or contribute to the hard won encyclopedia of human knowledge.

I have lived in the South for 15 years now.  I love the weather, the ridiculously low taxes, the fact that my garden is already showing dozens of signs of spring.  I love the Blue Ridge Mountains right out my back door and the fact that this area is home to more native species of flowering tree and shrub than any other place in North America.   I,  loving plants and gardening as I do, actually thrilled when I learned that rhododendrons apparently evolved simultaneously in two places on planet earth… the Himalayas and the Blue ridge Mountains.  I can’t see for the life of me how that could have happened, but, it doesn’t stop me from spending hours and hours, every spring, strolling through ancient groves of flowering rhododendrons.  I love the fact that spring and fall are the longest seasons of the year and that native trout streams flow down from the mountains five minutes from my door.   In many ways it is almost a paradise of a place to live.  In two ways it is not.

Racism is found everywhere.

and…… It absolutely Stinks of Jesus!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Look at it this way.

Perhaps it’s all been nothing but bullshit?

Maybe bullshit is the very point of human beings and our reason for existence in the first place?

It’s quite an achievement if you think about it.  After 14 billion years of expansion, differentiation, combination and evolution the universe has succeeded in producing, pulling out of itself, something that can conceive of and believe anything to be true.  Anything at all.  It doesn’t matter how impossible, improbable, or, how crazy it is, humans will believe it.  They will live for it and die for it.  If we don’t have an answer to a question we bullshit one up with the ease that a fish swims and a bird takes wing.  If it can be said that our species has a foundation in anything, anything at all, it must be admitted that that foundation, that rock upon which we are built, is bullshit.   One person lies, the next person swears to it and we are “Off to the Races”.

It’s not so bad if you think about it.  It’s not like we lost a lottery or something. No more than any other thing, animate or inanimate, lost a race to be something other than it is.  Obviously the universe needs EVERYTHING, or, quite frankly, it wouldn’t be the Universe.  It wouldn’t, by definition, contain “All” that could be, leaving it short of what a Universe must be.  That, I think, is where we come in.  Bullshit generators… because, without bullshit generation the Universe would come up short.  It would lack dreams.  It would lack fantasy.  It would be a poorer place for our absence.  It wouldn’t BE all that it could be.

The question I have found myself puzzled with is the future of all this bullshit.  How does it end?  Do we continue to bullshit ourselves blindly into extinction, or, do we somehow evolve in a different direction that permits our survival?  On the one hand I don’t really care because I won’t be here, but, on the other hand, even for purely my own curiosity, it would be interesting to know.  Do we go the way of the giant dinosaurs, getting bigger and bigger (and bullshitting ourselves more and more), or, do we somehow undergo a metamorphosis of our very natures and evolve into some improbable kind of bird with wings of logic rather than feathers?  In short… can we leave the bullshitting behind and still remain anything resembling “Human”?

That’s the question.

I’m not optimistic.  I fear that the bullshit is already so deep on planet earth that none of us has much hope of escaping drowning in it.  It’s just way to deep!

I’m an American and America is the best country in the world because we say so.  God is on our side because our leaders say so.  Our form of government is better than any other because we say so.  Our Constitution is an example of the finest thinking and the highest virtue ever expressed by mankind… the pinnacle of the art and science of government.  Because of all these things we have the right (God given) to force all other governments, nations and peoples to do as we wish them to do.  [Make all the children and adults memorize this and repeat it over and over and over again…]

Our Constitution and Bill of Rights was written by men who owned slaves… So, they were ALL shameless Bullshitters.

To think that a government controlled by the “Will of the People” can ever work for long is obviously Bullshit because the secret of sanity can never be found in the combination of  idiocies.

So, what’s a person to do?  What are our choices?  Do we have choices?

I would appreciate the input, with regard to the above questions, of any interested party.

As for myself… a fish gotta swim and a bird gotta fly.

Kiss, kiss

Mrs. N.