AXIRON

OOOOH BOY!

First of all this isn’t a joke.  This is my opinion of the reality I appear to be caught in, like an insect in a spider web.  Politically, economically and culturally my country is in the crapper.   The whole world is in the crapper.  It’s the 21st Century, for Pete’s sake, and most of the “Big Brained” primates infesting this mud ball still think it runs on supernatural bullshit from the sky, revealed in farcical books and interpreted by con-men, lunatics and sociopaths.   I think you know the type.  The Falwells and the Ayatollah Khomeinis and the piss-ants like Santorum and Old “Magic Underpants” Mitt.

So, just when I figure things are about as fucked up as they can get for a guy like me… just trying to be left in peace to fart around, keep the place tidy and respectable… what do I get?   AXIRON

“Start your day with AXIRON the only underarm testosterone treatment.”

OK, I guess I have no right to be such a big baby about this because for 50 years they sold women on the idea that natural aging was a disease that required experimental hormone therapy.  Now that that fiasco has crashed and burned I guess it’s time to see how stupid and vain men can be for pharmaceutical fun and profit.  But, that isn’t the really scary part.

What is the most important information I should know about AXIRON?

AXIRON can transfer from your body to others. This can happen if other people come into contact with the area where the AXIRON was applied. Signs of puberty that are not expected (for example, pubic hair) have happened in young children who were accidentally exposed to testosterone through skin-to-skin contact with men using topical testosterone products like AXIRON. Women and children should avoid contact with the unwashed or unclothed area where AXIRON has been applied. If a woman or child makes contact with the application area, the contact area on the woman or child should be washed well with soap and water right away.

The phrase “you Betcha!” comes to mind.

But in the end we all know this is going to end very badly.  If you have any doubts, dig this.  AXIRON “instructions” call for users to “prime the pump”, so to speak, by discharging the applicator 2 or 3 times into the sink or toilet.  Then, immediately,  wash the receptacle down with soap and water.  It’s powerful stuff.  It has “staying power” if you know what I mean and you WILL follow those instructions ladies.  I hope.  At least until I’m dead and gone and, as hormones will, they make their way into the water supply.  Then, of course, you will all start to look more and more each day like you stared in one of those National Geographic Specials with Jane Goodall.  The children will really be something to see as the hairy little bastards, crippled as they already are with Attention Deficit Disorder, asthma, autism, allergies (I will just quit with the A’s if nobody minds) careen around the classroom on roller-skates, eating bananas, cussing out their elders and only answering to names like Mr. Zippy and Lil Bosco.

Remember, testosterone is a controlled substance that has long been shown to cause rage reactions.  What a positive BOON to mankind and human relations that will be!  Take a moment and picture it with me.  Hairy women, men with perpetual erections itching for a fight and children masturbating in the tree-tops, refusing to come down to do their homework.

This will be what the guy up top will look like, from the neck down, by then.  If I’m out of here in the nick of time the undertaker will remember me as the last guy he didn’t have any problem closing the lid of the coffin on.  As always… timing is everything.

Just don’t know…

I hit the hay early last night.  It was cold and heat pumps don’t work for shit below freezing.   The weatherman was calling for 16 degrees.  In a bold attempt to fuck with the heads of the plutocrats that own our electric company the little woman and I have been keeping the thermostat set at 60 degrees downstairs this winter.  Upstairs catches what it can.  The bedrooms are cold. I’m talking plaster & lath with no insulation.  So, I was snugly supine and pressed  like a flower, reading, beneath a mountain of blankets when I came around the corner of a paragraph and slid to a stop on this…  “The big lesson of Anthropology 101 is that you can never know your own culture because you are it,”…

I drifted off and floated into dreamland thinking about that and awoke to find it still there, at the foot of the bed with the cat.

If that is true we are all something like those hands seen outlined on dark Paleolithic cave walls, by sprays of pigment, blown out of the mouths of our brutish ancestors.  The universe of possible realities sprayed at our form and we became what we blocked from sticking.  An outline.  A silhouette surrounded by what we rejected.  We did know it.  We just rejected it.  I just can’t say with any kind of objectivity what I am, but, I know I ain’t that.

Sanity, it seems to me, involves a turning away from the conflicting input.  But when the born junky gets off the junk, when the TV and the radio and the books stop and the lap-top gets closed… it’s just terribly dark, deep in the cave where that hand print rests,  half obscuring an extinct bison.

Precious little makes any sense to me any more.  In another sense, nothing has ever been any clearer.

“Every work of art points somewhere beyond itself; it transcends itself and its author; it creates a special force field around itself that moves the human mind and the human nervous system.”

 

Vaclav Havel

Disturbing the Peace

SOUTHERN LIVIN MAGAZINE

(redneck edition)

Southern Livin magazine features home improvement, decoratin, entertainin, cookin, and travel — and of course, signature Southern recipes.

Yes, Spring is in the air in Dixie and attention to landscape detail is evident where ever one cares to look.  In the New South clean lines and strict formal plantings take a back seat to the abundant bounty only Mother Nature can produce.  Pride of place and heritage are paramount in this and all Southern Estate homes.  If one stops for a moment and closes their eyes on this quiet country road one can almost smell the magnolia blossoms, hear banjo music in the distance and hear the Master of the Estate enquire… What the fuck you lookin at?”

When it comes to first impressions nothing is considered more important than curb appeal.  Today the Southern home owner is treated to a cornucopia of options when it comes to fencing.  Brick, split-rail, boxwood hedge or traditional (pictured above) all can, and do, lend an air of Southern charm to private residences and public buildings alike.  Above we see the Zen like simplicity and attention to detail so magnificently executed as to almost appear totally organic in origin.

No place symbolizes the pride of history and heritage so valued in the  New South better than its birthplace, Appomattox Court House.  Oh, if these walls could speak, the tails they would tell of forgiveness and brotherhood reborn from the ashes of a war that today is all but forgotten.  When the multitudes of tourists are gone and the bus loads of school children have all gone back to their classrooms to reflect on the history they have learned… and all is quiet, as only the hallowed ground of a National Landmark can become, around dusk, on a Spring evening, one can almost hear the instructions passed on from the patriarchs of one generation to the youth of the next….  “Let the inbreeding begin!”

So, whether you are looking to pamper yourself at one of The South’s finer Bed & Breakfast establishments……

Planning a wedding…..

Looking for a special place to pop that “special” question…..

Or, just looking for that old fashioned “Family Fun” type of environment so missing from todays fast paced life…..  Come on down South, pull up a chair on the porch and grab yourself a cold one and wash them troubles away…… Ya-hear?

This months recipe was sent in by Billy Bob Campbell from Lynchburg Virginia.

Redneck Squirrel Fry 

~ squirrel legs, amount depends on how many you have or how hungry you are.
~ 2 eggs
~ 1 tbsp ketchup
~ salt and pepper
~ 1 can beer
~ Drakes batter
~ butter

Beat the eggs in a medium bowl. Add the ketchup. Salt and pepper to taste

Add 1/2 can of beer and drink the rest. (you don’t want to waste it!) Mix well.

Put some of the Drakes batter in a shallow dish.

Melt several tablespoons of butter in a skillet over medium-low heat.

Dip the squirrel into the egg mixture and then roll in the Drakes. Repeat for thicker coating.

Add to the skillet and cook until golden brown. Turn as needed.

Serve with mashed potatoes and cream corn.

Enjoy.

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ON THE ROAD IN DIXIE

It’s “shop till ya drop” down at the Dollar Tree that holds the distinction of being constructed right, smack dab, on top of one of the Seven Wonders of the Redneck World.  [The Great Wall of Madison Heights]  Engineered and constructed by a prominent local Fundamentalist Christian Engineering group it is recognized as an outstanding example of End Times Architecture.  Winner of the Jerry Falwell Award for Architectural Excellence and never intended to last very long anyway, because “The Rapture” was do any day, it hovers at an improbable angle over the Wal-Mart parking lot.

After you are finished with shopping for those last minute Christmas or anniversary gifts At the Dollar Tree be sure to wander round back and catch the view from Lover’s Leap.   We are pretty dang sure you will be glad you did.