Albert Einstein spent most of his adult life and career as a mathematician and theoretical physicist attempting to make sense out of the universe. He searched for a theory that would “unify” all that was known about matter and energy and make it possible for us to better understand the universe and, as a consequence, better understand ourselves and our place in it. He sought the elusive connections between forces seen and unseen and marveled at how simply observing something changed it forever. Unfortunately Einstein went to his grave without successfully uniting all the forces observed by physicists into a “Unified Theory”.
It was my intention to carry on that important work. Not being a mathematician or a physicist I felt somewhat hampered in this endeavor. It wasn’t until I realized that, perhaps, Einstein had been studying this problem from too narrow a perspective that I hit upon a new and unexplored window of observation that, in my humble opinion, permitted me to succeed where far more celebrated men have failed. As the saying goes… “Some men strive for greatness while others have it thrust upon them.”
Let me be clear. I make no claim to having an intellect greater than Einstein. My success is entirely attributable to the differences between us, not our similarities. Einstein was interested in how the universe worked. I, on the other hand, was interested in how people could call something Pizza when CLEARLY….. it wasn’t pizza. THIS is Pizza!
From this simple observation my work began and the dream of a “Unified Theory of Pizza” was made reality.
While Einstein was flittering the years away wondering how something could be BOTH a particle AND a wave I turned my attention to far more curious questions. How could someone from Chicago think that a pizza is over an inch thick? How could someone from Pennsyltucky or West (by God) Virginia think pizza can have cheddar cheese on it? How can ANYONE think pizza is obtainable from a “Hut”, or, that the crust can be properly formed without being stretched upon the fists of a man with black hair, one continuous eyebrow and then thrown into the air before being placed and stretched upon a round pan?
The answers to my questions came to me, as they did to Einstein, Newton and so many others, in a dream. In my dream I was reclining next to a beautiful lake enjoying a magnificent slice of classic New York pizza. The crust was thin, the sauce was reminiscent of fresh picked tomatoes and the cheese was high grade mozzarella. As I finished my first slice I became aware that 7 ducks had exited the lake and were making a bee line for my pie. Quacking and honking they grabbed the seven remaining slices between their beaks and began dragging them toward the lake. I was paralyzed, incapable of stopping them. Then, I awoke.
I’m sure I don’t have to tell the reader that this most disturbing of dreams haunted my thoughts day and night. I knew it had deep meaning, but, it wasn’t until I connected the geometry of the Pizza Pie with the heredity of the quacking and honking ducks that the proverbial “light” went off in my head. I understood it! I knew how and why different humans had entirely different definitions of what IS and what ISN’T Pizza.
It was the ducks that gave it away, I don’t mind telling you. You see, when a baby duck hatches from its egg it imprints on the first moving object it sees. It thinks… “Mama”. Most of the time it is Mama, but, not all of the time. It’s the same thing with Pizza. The first time an adult hands you a triangular piece of bread-like substance with cheese and tomato sauce on it you take a bite. They tell you… “It’s Pizza”. From that point… From that first imprinting…. it is and will always remain your definition of what REAL Pizza has to be no matter HOW awful it is to those of us who know better.
This, “The Unified Theory of Pizza”, is the reason and the explanation for why there are so many sorry-assed Pizza chain restaurants, so many simply awful frozen pizzas, so many miserable excuses for pizza, and so many dumb bastards who keep them in business. If you are unlucky enough to imprint on sorry-assed pizza you will never know any better and you will be, in part, at least one of the reasons there is sorry-assed pizza in the world.
Now you know.
What you probably didn’t know is that of all the different things there are to eat…. people dream of eating pizza more than any other food. Here we see a prime example.