A “Unified Theory”

Albert Einstein spent most of his adult life and career as a mathematician and theoretical physicist attempting to make sense out of the universe.  He searched for a theory that would “unify” all that was known about matter and energy and make it possible for us to better understand the universe and, as a consequence, better understand ourselves and our place in it.  He sought the elusive connections between forces seen and unseen and marveled at how simply observing something changed it forever.  Unfortunately Einstein went to his grave without successfully uniting all the forces observed by physicists into a “Unified Theory”.

It was my intention to carry on that important work.  Not being a mathematician or a physicist I felt somewhat hampered in this endeavor.  It wasn’t until I realized that, perhaps, Einstein had been studying this problem from too narrow a perspective that I hit upon a new and unexplored window of observation that, in my humble opinion, permitted me to succeed where far more celebrated men have failed.  As the saying goes… “Some men strive for greatness while others have it thrust upon them.”  

Let me be clear.  I make no claim to having an intellect greater than Einstein.  My success is entirely attributable to the differences between us, not our similarities.  Einstein was interested in how the universe worked.  I, on the other hand, was interested in how people could call something Pizza when CLEARLY….. it wasn’t pizza.  THIS is Pizza!

From this simple observation my work began and the dream of a “Unified Theory of Pizza” was made reality.

While Einstein was flittering the years away wondering how something could be BOTH a particle AND a wave I turned my attention to far more curious questions.  How could someone from Chicago think that a pizza is over an inch thick?  How could someone from Pennsyltucky or West (by God) Virginia think pizza can have cheddar cheese on it?  How can ANYONE think pizza is obtainable from a “Hut”, or,  that the crust can be properly formed without being stretched upon the fists of a man with black hair, one continuous eyebrow and then thrown into the air before being placed and stretched upon a round pan?

The answers to my questions came to me, as they did to Einstein, Newton and so many others, in a dream.  In my dream I was reclining next to a beautiful lake enjoying a magnificent slice of classic New York pizza.  The crust was thin, the sauce was reminiscent of fresh picked tomatoes and the cheese was high grade mozzarella.  As I finished my first slice I became aware that 7 ducks had exited the lake and were making a bee line for my pie.  Quacking and honking they grabbed the seven remaining slices between their beaks and began dragging them toward the lake.  I was paralyzed, incapable of stopping them.  Then, I awoke.

I’m sure I don’t have to tell the reader that this most disturbing of dreams haunted my thoughts day and night.  I knew it had deep meaning, but, it wasn’t until I connected the geometry of the Pizza Pie with the heredity of the quacking and honking ducks that the proverbial “light” went off in my head.  I understood it!  I knew how and why different humans had entirely different definitions of what IS and what ISN’T Pizza.

It was the ducks that gave it away, I don’t mind telling you.  You see, when a baby duck hatches from its egg it imprints on the first moving object it sees.  It thinks… “Mama”.  Most of the time it is Mama, but, not all of the time.  It’s the same thing with Pizza.  The first time an adult hands you a triangular piece of bread-like substance with cheese and tomato sauce on it you take a bite.  They tell you… “It’s Pizza”.  From that point… From that first imprinting…. it is and will always remain your definition of what REAL Pizza has to be no matter HOW awful it is to those of us who know better.

This, “The Unified Theory of Pizza”, is the reason and the explanation for why there are so many sorry-assed Pizza chain restaurants, so many simply awful frozen pizzas, so many miserable excuses for pizza, and so many dumb bastards who keep them in business.   If you are unlucky enough to imprint on sorry-assed pizza you will never know any better and you will be, in part, at least one of the reasons there is sorry-assed pizza in the world.

Now you know.

What you probably didn’t know is that of all the different things there are to eat…. people dream of eating pizza more than any other food.  Here we see a prime example.



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7 responses to “A “Unified Theory”

  1. I share your pain. Pizza is my favourite food. It is appalling what some restaurants pass off as pizza. A good one is a rare find. “Good” frozen pizza does not exist.

    • Well Brent, at least now you know why. It is indeed appalling what some people “think” is pizza. I see the proliferation of so called Pizza chain restaurants, where a pre-made crust is heated on a conveyer belt, as the kind of abomination that marks the point of no return for a civilization already circling the drain.

      I thank you for your comment. It’s nice to know that someone appreciates my research.

      • Judging by your love for pizza Brent I thought I would pass on some of the interesting facts that my research into Pizzology uncovered.

        1. Pizza is the proverbial “perfect food”. One of the reasons for this is its shape. Triangular food “points” toward proper digestion and is actually easier for babies to digest than mothers milk.

        2. (now this is fascinating) I always wondered why Sicilian pizza is square or rectangular. So, I went to Sicily. Once I mastered the language and made friends with the indigenous population I realized why the normal triangular shape fell out of fashion. Triangles greatly increase the existential angst of people who live in a landscape dominated by a volcano that could become active at any moment. I once witnessed a man beating his wife for baking a circular pizza, in a small village outside of Palermo. When I attempted to interrupt him and spare his poor wife further physical abuse he chastised me as follows….

        ….”Son-a-ma-bitch she’s-a-bad-enough I’m-a got to looka at-a God-dam-a volcano all-a day long. A man should no come-a home and-a find-a one on his-a plate! Capeesh?”

        How could I disagree?

  2. Art Fern

    See Also: Pineapple. There’s no such thing as a Pineapple Pizza. I don’t know what you call it but it’s not a pizza. Dominos is not pizza. Papa John is not pizza. You want real pizza? Go to Mainline Pizza in Little Falls, NJ. So good….you want delivery? Fuck you, come down and pick it up yourself. And be prepared to wait in fucking line…ya bastige.

    • Right you are. I’m a purist when it comes to pizza. Good dough, good cheese, good sauce and a 800 degree oven with an artist running the show. Pizzas are like finger prints. No two are alike.

      Remember Rick, back in the Old Country, where we had real Italian people cooking real Italian food? Look at us now. Living in the South where Eye-Tallian food is the fucking “Olive Garden”. I had a patient here who works for a company in Roanoke that makes and packages “meals” for that place. From the fridge to the microwave by a minimum wage employee. I told her she must be mistaken, that I saw on TV that the chiefs at that place are Classically trained in the Olive Garden kitchens in Tuscany.

      She laughed like hell and said… “There are so many chemicals in those bags that you could lay a plastic bag-O-dinner out in your parking lot for a year and nobody would taste the difference.” Just like Momma used to make…. If your Momma was a fucking robot!

  3. I went into an Eye-talian joint in Arkansas one time. Ordered the Veal Parmesan. Got Chicken Fried steak with some kind of psudo-Marinara on it.
    Worked at a hotel once where we made little appetizer pizza’s…Using mini-bagels for the crust.
    Italian food may be the most bastardized food on the planet.

  4. I believe you are right BH. Also, another thing I have observed is the unfounded belief that an Italian person can cook Italian food BECAUSE they are Italian. Not true.

    My wife is half Sicilian and was taught to cook by her Sicilian Grandmother. We NEVER, EVER eat Eye-talian food out because it never fails to be a disappointment. She makes pizza like Grandma used to make it, rectangular, because of Mt. Etna and all.

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