First of all this isn’t a joke.  This is my opinion of the reality I appear to be caught in, like an insect in a spider web.  Politically, economically and culturally my country is in the crapper.   The whole world is in the crapper.  It’s the 21st Century, for Pete’s sake, and most of the “Big Brained” primates infesting this mud ball still think it runs on supernatural bullshit from the sky, revealed in farcical books and interpreted by con-men, lunatics and sociopaths.   I think you know the type.  The Falwells and the Ayatollah Khomeinis and the piss-ants like Santorum and Old “Magic Underpants” Mitt.

So, just when I figure things are about as fucked up as they can get for a guy like me… just trying to be left in peace to fart around, keep the place tidy and respectable… what do I get?   AXIRON

“Start your day with AXIRON the only underarm testosterone treatment.”

OK, I guess I have no right to be such a big baby about this because for 50 years they sold women on the idea that natural aging was a disease that required experimental hormone therapy.  Now that that fiasco has crashed and burned I guess it’s time to see how stupid and vain men can be for pharmaceutical fun and profit.  But, that isn’t the really scary part.

What is the most important information I should know about AXIRON?

AXIRON can transfer from your body to others. This can happen if other people come into contact with the area where the AXIRON was applied. Signs of puberty that are not expected (for example, pubic hair) have happened in young children who were accidentally exposed to testosterone through skin-to-skin contact with men using topical testosterone products like AXIRON. Women and children should avoid contact with the unwashed or unclothed area where AXIRON has been applied. If a woman or child makes contact with the application area, the contact area on the woman or child should be washed well with soap and water right away.

The phrase “you Betcha!” comes to mind.

But in the end we all know this is going to end very badly.  If you have any doubts, dig this.  AXIRON “instructions” call for users to “prime the pump”, so to speak, by discharging the applicator 2 or 3 times into the sink or toilet.  Then, immediately,  wash the receptacle down with soap and water.  It’s powerful stuff.  It has “staying power” if you know what I mean and you WILL follow those instructions ladies.  I hope.  At least until I’m dead and gone and, as hormones will, they make their way into the water supply.  Then, of course, you will all start to look more and more each day like you stared in one of those National Geographic Specials with Jane Goodall.  The children will really be something to see as the hairy little bastards, crippled as they already are with Attention Deficit Disorder, asthma, autism, allergies (I will just quit with the A’s if nobody minds) careen around the classroom on roller-skates, eating bananas, cussing out their elders and only answering to names like Mr. Zippy and Lil Bosco.

Remember, testosterone is a controlled substance that has long been shown to cause rage reactions.  What a positive BOON to mankind and human relations that will be!  Take a moment and picture it with me.  Hairy women, men with perpetual erections itching for a fight and children masturbating in the tree-tops, refusing to come down to do their homework.

This will be what the guy up top will look like, from the neck down, by then.  If I’m out of here in the nick of time the undertaker will remember me as the last guy he didn’t have any problem closing the lid of the coffin on.  As always… timing is everything.


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