Remote Controls


There are many kinds of remote controls that men have a need to get their hands on.  This is a picture of one kind.  This “need” to get a hold of remote control buttons appears to be innate and first begins to manifest itself when puberty kicks in.    Manipulation of the remote controls above, all other conditions being favorable, causes profound changes in the brain they are connected to.  The desire to fiddle with, fondle, hold, look at, and, somehow gain possession of the remote controls, like the ones pictured above, is something boys and men are hard wired to experience.  It is hard for females to understand the endless fascination that males have for the female breast.  It is hard for males to orally articulate just “why” they have these desires, these fascinations…. without getting all stupid looking and sounding.   The reason is it’s all subconscious.  It is a bit of knowledge that males are born with that they don’t know they have.  It is one of those inborn bits of information that evolution has provided us with that is just there without men knowing it is there.  One of those pieces of the puzzle of our continued existence on this planet in spite of the odds against us.   Men, without knowing why (and any man can and will, if he is being honest, confess this to you) want those boobs!

Biologically, of course, the reason behind this business is reproduction, or, at least on the part of the male, maximizing the opportunity for reproduction.   It is about control of the situation.  It is about getting your hands on the “knob” that changes the channel.  It is about causing the release of Oxytocin in the brain of the female that can, and, most often does, change the complexion of the whole ball game.

As we know Oxytocin is referred to as the “bonding” hormone.  It is released when a newborn first stimulates his mothers breast through suckling and causes a mother to bond to her child in what is widely considered the most powerful and profound of human bonding relationships.  Stimulation of the female breast and the release of Oxytocin also plays a major role in the experience of pleasure, sexual arousal and physical intimacy.   Men in search of “pleasure, sexual arousal and physical intimacy” themselves innately understand that getting their hands on the remote, the very means of causing release of Oxytocin, MUST, in and of itself, be a VERY good thing.

Now, in case you are wondering to yourself why the hell I am writing about this subject and why I decided to entitle this little essay “Remote Controls”…. I will tell you.

I don’t think you can be alive in this culture without observing that men and women deal with and handle the remote controls of televisions entirely differently.  I have set out to articulate, in my opinion, just why that is.  If you wish you can think of it as Mrs. Neutrons Unified Theory of Remote Controls.  It goes something like this…

A woman, using a remote control, will pick it up, press the desired button and then put it back down where she found it.

A man will pick up the remote and begin changing channels, every few minutes, one after the other, in an endless search to discover what ELSE is on and keep going and going until someone (usually his wife) takes it away from him.   He is rarely satisfied to just sit and watch what he has chosen.  He NEEDS to know what ELSE is out there.  His desire to possess and fiddle with remote controls is as innate as his desire (if he can get away with it) to spread his genetic seed as far and wide as humanly possible.    It is survival based.  It is hardwired into the male physiology.  That is why he is fascinated by women’s breasts.

The picture you see below, in its own way, is every bit as “borderline pornographic” to the male brain as the picture at the beginning of this essay.  It stimulates the mail brain.  He can’t help wanting to put his hands on ALL of them.

Science, Mrs. Neutron predicts, in the years to come, may just prove that the manner in which a husband conducts himself with the TV remote controls in his living room is both indicative and predictive of his over all capability of fidelity within a marriage.

Now, wouldn’t that be something?




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2 responses to “Remote Controls

  1. Rick

    uh….what? I was looking at the picture, wadja say?

  2. I understand Rick. Tell me, is your wife still buying that bullshit about you not getting an internet connection at home… and THAT’S why you hang out at HOOTERS? Because they have WIFI ?

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