Dunkin’ FUCKING Donuts

Isn’t it bad enough I have to live in a country full of gun toting fucking morons who are absolutely sure that the universe runs on magic?  Isn’t it enough for me to turn on the TV this morning and hear my President blathering on and on about how great it was for all the lying sociopaths that represent us in our nations capital to get together today and PRAY over breakfast for stuff to get better?

Oh no.  Now I have to read about food companies putting nanomaterials in my food!  And who is leading the pack in the race to clog us all up with worthless crap and send us to an early grave….?  Dunkin’ FUCKING Donuts.  I hate Dunkin’ Donuts.

[from the New York TIMES]  ..”Their small size allows nanoparticles to go places in the body where larger particles cannot and enter cells. They have been found in the blood stream after ingestion and inhalation, and while research on their health effects is limited, studies have shown them to have deleterious effects on mice and cells…  Last April, the Food and Drug Administration issued an unusually emphatic statement on nanomaterials, saying it did not have enough data to determine the safety of nanomaterials in food.”…

…”Dunkin’ Donuts Powdered Cake Donuts tested positive for the presence of titanium dioxide materials of less than 10 nanometers. Titanium dioxide is used to brighten white substances. The nano variety is under investigation by the E.P.A.”…

Isn’t that nice?  The bastards are not satisfied selling crappy donuts.  It’s not enough that they sell the same fucking donut, twisted and tortured into dozens of different shapes and colors, and try to pass them off as different “kinds” of donuts when they are clearly NOT.  Oh no.  Now the lying bastards are using nanomaterials…  Titanium dioxide… to make the sugar coated donuts “look” whiter.  LOOK WHITER!

The primary drawback, the only drawback I can think of actually, in being an atheist is how foolish you sound attempting to really cuss somebody out without making reference to anything religious, or biblical.  So, with the readers permission and indulgence I will, temporarily, assume the persona of a Good Christian…  and, like all the politicians who had breakfast together this morning, pretend that I am.

“Jesus fucking tap-dancing Christ!  What the fuck is the matter with these bastards?  May the Sons of bitches rot in Hell.  May their wives and children and everybody that they love choke to death on one of their crappy donuts right before their eyes.  May their homes be surrounded by angry mobs and may they be taken to the nearest Dunkin’ FUCKING Donut Shop and deep fried in the cheap-skate oil they use.. and then may they be rolled in artificially colored chemical bits & lightly dusted with TITANIUM DIOXIDE.  Then… let the rats have at them.”

(That’s better.  OK, I’m back to my heathen self.)

You know, I kind of have to blame myself for some of this outrageous behavior on the part of Dunkin’ FUCKING Donuts.  Years ago, when I first realized that there was really no such thing as Dunkin’ FUCKING Donuts, and that it was actually Dunkin’ FUCKING DONUT… I should have acted.  I should have kicked up some kind of a stink, firebombed a few locations, spread rumors that they hired lepers to form the donuts with unclean hands…  I should have done something to end this cavalcade of counterfeit confectionary… this bastion of bogus baked goods…  But, I didn’t.  Instead I stood mute as the bastards opened more and more locations and spread across the land like a malicious fungus.  REAL BAKERIES, operated by real people using real ingredients to produce real donuts, cakes, pies, turnovers, cookies, pastries, Napoleons, Baklava, Bear Claws, cannoli…. (the list goes on) WENT OUT OF BUSINESS… because they couldn’t compete with the advertising and predatory pricing of… you-know-who.

Now look where we are.  We are living in a country with a President who thinks “praying” will solve our problems and not a decent bakery for 100 miles around.   If that isn’t depressing enough… Dunkin’ FUCKING Donuts is doing their best to kill us by clogging up all of our precious internal filters.

Any more bad news today and I’ll hang myself.  I will you know.  I mean it.