Business as Usual

Mrs. N. has been safely back in the Homeland, the good old USA, for more than a full week now and everything is back to normal.  I’m swimming alone in a vast sea of absurdity, as I always have been, with that uneasy feeling in my gut that, just behind me lurking in the darkness there is something with big sharp teeth closing in to bite my legs off.

I have had many conversations with my fellow citizens of this capitalist utopia in the past 10 days.  As is my way I have talked to the young and the old with an eye to learning what makes them tick.  This past wednesday I had a conversation with a young man who is graduating High School in a few weeks.  I asked him his intentions and he informed me that he was joining the United States Air Force with the hope of becoming a drone pilot.  I know his family well.  They are Bible thumping Born Again Christians.  I told him that his career choice confused me.  I asked him how he could adhere to the Christian command that he “Should not kill” while putting himself into a position where he would be called upon to do just that.  He appeared confused at first, but, eventually took all the wind out of my sails by replying, “Well, that’s different.”

I have learned through painful experience not to attempt to engage in rational conversation with the religiously dissociated.  Instead, I attempt to concentrate my efforts to aid the youth of today on something that will, hopefully, do them some good.  Just viewing the young people here in the Great American Southland can at times be very painful.  Neck tattoos, outrageous piercing and religious symbols & cartoon figures, in garish colors, permanently etched on their young skin up and down their arms and legs.

This past week I have attempted to convince as many young men as I could to sport a Hitler mustache.  I inform them that, just as it was when I was a boy, it is the duty of the young to outrage their elders.  I ask them when was the last time they saw someone sporting a Hitler mustache?  I go on to assure them that NOTHING would piss off the authority figures in their life more than them attempting to look like Hitler.  I explain that “It’s free!”… I remind them that it involves no needles, painful holes in their anatomy and carries no risk of nasty infections.  I also remind them that, one day, should they ever change their mind, or, entertain the idea that they may wish to pursue gainful employment, they can simply shave it off and live the rest of their lives as if it never happened.  To date I must report that I have had, shall we say… limited success.  But, I have not given up.  I have learned through extensive research that cultural changes of this magnitude move, if at all, at a glacial pace.

On a more fascinating note.  While working in my extensive perennial beds and raking up billions of magnolia leaves in the roadway and along the margins of my vast one-third of an acre estate I have been approached by a few of my neighbors with the news of a new member of our little community.  It seems that I have a new neighbor across the street and a little to the right.  I had noticed that the grounds around the home in question had taken a distinct turn for the better.  The lawn is now well manicured and neat.  The flower beds have been planted with annuals and the porch is hung with gayly colored baskets and lush ferns.  In the driveway sits a shiny new BMW, a late model SUV and a Jeep.  My neighbors informed me that the home was purchased by a single mother with one young child.  The mother in question is a shapely young woman who purchased the home specifically because it was located next to the elementary school and her young daughter could both walk to class, and enjoy playing in the school playground during the summer months.

It’s a typical American success story actually.  “Local girl makes good” if you will.  It seems that mother has found entrepreneurial success and substantial monetary rewards in the entertainment industry.  Through hard work, imagination and “True Grit” she has parlayed her good looks and computer savvy into what can only be called a 21st Century home business empire.  In her own right she has become a Star.  She collects no Welfare and her daughter does not dine of food purchased with food stamps.  They are both, from what I have observed from across the street, always impeccably dressed.  Unlike the majority of young unmarried mothers in my community, my state, and my nation, she asks for no hand outs from my financially exhausted government.  As we are fond of saying here in the South…. “She is a maker, not a taker”.

What she “makes” and what she is famous for are high resolution videos of herself, and other people, shoving various objects up her behind.  She also maintains a web site where interested consumers of her “art” can receive one on one anatomy lessons, in real time, directly in the comfort of their own home simply by providing her with a valid credit card number.  Now, what could be easier than that?

So, if you hear that American enterprise has seen better days and the future looks anything but bright…  You tell them Mrs. N. knows better.  I have seen the future.  It lives right across the street.  Mrs. N. knows where we are all going.  Hey, if you have a valid credit card my neighbor will be happy to show you too.

Kiss, kiss

Mrs. N.



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2 responses to “Business as Usual

  1. Art Fern

    I have two:

    Wait. You forgot to put up a link to her website.

    and… mean all I have to do to quit my job is get a webcam and shove stuff up my butt? DEAL!

    • I’m sorry, but, I have no intention of promoting such degenerate behavior. Given my choice I would prefer to live in a time when the sight of a woman’s ankle would make the heart beat faster. The senses are so easily dulled by over stimulation.

      With regard to your future as an entertainer… I’m not so sure that you, how does it go…? “Have what it takes” Old Boy.

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