…IS

…”It depends on what the meaning of the words ‘is’ is.” –Bill Clinton
I have a suggestion.  When next you finish a roll of toilet paper, or a roll of paper towels, I want you to save that cardboard roll.  I want you to write the things that are important to you on the outside of that roll.  Write the very important things big and the things of lesser importance smaller.  Be sure to include your religious beliefs, political affiliation, sex, economic status, citizenship, race, age, health status, philosophy (optimist or pessimist), marital status, education and all the other individual peculiarities that make you uniquely you.  When you think of new ones, write them on there too.
You have just constructed an [IS TUBE]. It belongs to you and you alone because you constructed it out of all the neurologically relative colors, prejudices, feelings, emotions and certainties that make your perception of reality “different” from any other sentient being that ever lived, or will live.
Operating Instructions:
1. Read everything you wrote on your tube and come to grips with the reality that all those things determine what you call real.
2. Look through your tube and realize that only you can see the universe through your tube the way you see it.
3. Never, ever, use the word “IS” again unless you are looking through your tube with the full realization that only your tube makes it so.
4.  [WARNING] No one has the correct [IS TUBE].
5.  [WARNING] Normal does not exist and average represents but a mathematical abstraction.
OK campers you are almost ready to head out into the big bad world with your new [IS TUBE], never again to use the “you know what” word unless you are looking through your tube with the other eye closed.  Before you go I suggest you fill your pockets with as many (it seems to me)s, (the way I see it)s, (from my understanding)s and (it appears)s as you can fit.  You are going to need them.  You should also keep in mind that any person you interact with who uses the “you know what” word without simultaneously looking through “their” tube should never be taken entirely seriously.  They are not being honest with you.  Instead, you should wonder to yourself just how incredibly weird it would be to have a look through their tube.
You do understand, I hope, that this represents an exercise.
No, it won’t get rid of cellulite!
You won’t lose any weight.
It will not give you great pecks or a tighter butt.
BUT, it is unconditionally [GUARANTEED] to expand your consciousness in a way that remains legal in most (but not all) locations.
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5 Comments

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5 responses to “…IS

  1. I laughed out loud reading this post!

    Having only recently replaced the roll, unfortunately, I will no doubt be thinking of you each time I use it until it is. . . , or should I say, it seems to me, from my understanding, to be empty.

  2. Man, you are ONE prolific writer and interesting as well. I’m gonna peruse your various musings because I haven’t seen anything this diverse and, at the same time, so fascinating in a very long time.

    r.

  3. I just linked you to my blog. (hope you don’t mind)
    In my “Yute” I worked the piers in NY and Port Newark summers for college money. Without unions there would be no America!

  4. Sheri

    Did you come up with this idea on your own? If so, I want to congratulate you for coming up with BEST idea in the whole history of the world. Even if you only borrowed it, I still want to thank you for posting the idea, which I plan to spread far and wide. Everyone needs an IS TUBE!

    • Thanks Sheri.
      It’s my idea as far as I can tell. You are a peach for saying such nice things. But, you should know, I’m a guy. The site is named after Mrs. Neutron who once lived next door. We have reasons to believe she was really a robot. [see: About]
      I need to know something Sheri. At one time did you used to write your name with a little heart instead of just a dot over the (i)? I hope so. I really hope so.
      All the best
      Mrs. N

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